just back from the doctor clutching a prescription for citalopram and a diagnosis of clinical depression, I don't need it.
In some ways I feel like a fraud, in others I feel profound relief that there is a reason for all this. Doc was lovely, stressing that this is an illness in exactly the same way as asthma or measles. I REALLY don't want to go down the medication route again, not after the problems getting off Seroxat last time, and I made the point several times. However when I listed the sleep problems, tearfulness, weight loss, forgetfulness, falling out with people, starting the day badly but getting better etc etc he commented that I was displaying 'the full house' of symptoms and that if I had a broken leg I'd have it plastered until it healed, wouldn't I? So, I shall give it some thought, do some research, then make a decision
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Thursday, August 17, 2006
free therapy
well that's how blogging was described to me this evening, and this evening free therapy is just what I need.
I'd forgotten the previous entry until I logged on again. How ironic in the light of the fact that my very reason FOR logging on is because of the destructive and final end of the affair. Previously I would have written this stuff down in one of a plethora of notebooks, and maybe that is still the way that feels most natural, but straight onto the screen has much greater immediacy and I need to get this crap out of my head in any way possible.
If I stand back and look at this situation as if it was someone else's story then my course of action is clear. Get. The. Hell. Out. Not that I'm in any situation out of which I can get. All the control was taken right out of my hands and I'm left floundering in a mess of someone elses making. I hold my hands up to my own part in this but I believed the stuff I was told, most of which has now proved to be lies or, at best, haf truths. The trouble is that it has thrown up all sorts of other issues which are nothing whatsoever to do with the original affair.
Firstly, I'm facing the distinct possibility that this IS my life. That all my future holds is one disasterous relationship after another. After all my track record would suggest a total inability to connect with anyone who is likely to treat me well and allow me to be happy. This evening's conversation with the binge drinking ex is a case in point. I had convinced myself that she was actually being some support over all this, when in fact her unempathic approach to the conversation left me, once again, in tears. She did it with the best of intentions, the problem wasn't her so much as the fact that I wanted her to be different, I wanted her to understand and be alongside me rather than try to encourage me out of it. I'm not in that place at the moment and she doesn't want to see that.
I'm too tired to think straight. Coming home from holidays to this is horribly reminiscent of two years ago and THAT makes me sad on a totally different level. But more about that tomorrow
I'd forgotten the previous entry until I logged on again. How ironic in the light of the fact that my very reason FOR logging on is because of the destructive and final end of the affair. Previously I would have written this stuff down in one of a plethora of notebooks, and maybe that is still the way that feels most natural, but straight onto the screen has much greater immediacy and I need to get this crap out of my head in any way possible.
If I stand back and look at this situation as if it was someone else's story then my course of action is clear. Get. The. Hell. Out. Not that I'm in any situation out of which I can get. All the control was taken right out of my hands and I'm left floundering in a mess of someone elses making. I hold my hands up to my own part in this but I believed the stuff I was told, most of which has now proved to be lies or, at best, haf truths. The trouble is that it has thrown up all sorts of other issues which are nothing whatsoever to do with the original affair.
Firstly, I'm facing the distinct possibility that this IS my life. That all my future holds is one disasterous relationship after another. After all my track record would suggest a total inability to connect with anyone who is likely to treat me well and allow me to be happy. This evening's conversation with the binge drinking ex is a case in point. I had convinced myself that she was actually being some support over all this, when in fact her unempathic approach to the conversation left me, once again, in tears. She did it with the best of intentions, the problem wasn't her so much as the fact that I wanted her to be different, I wanted her to understand and be alongside me rather than try to encourage me out of it. I'm not in that place at the moment and she doesn't want to see that.
I'm too tired to think straight. Coming home from holidays to this is horribly reminiscent of two years ago and THAT makes me sad on a totally different level. But more about that tomorrow
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
back again
remembered my password and decided to try again.
The rain has started, finally. I know that the ground needs it, I know that the reservoir needs it, I know that the pond needs it, but did it have to be today? Somehow it matches my mood when what I need is to be shaken until I rattle and then put back on the ground on a glorious day, to be reminded that we are on this earth for a reason and that that reason is not to have an affair that threatens someone else's happiness. End of rant
I'd never had an affair, I'd been alongside others who have. Many of them have left LTRs , searching for something else and I (I hate to admit it) have often condone this behaviour. 'If you're not happy get out', you know the kind of thing? But it wasn't for me, serial yes, simultaneous no. I'm such an idiot to have let it get to this and even having ended it I'm walking around feeling that I've let everyone down, especially me. SO egocentric. Time to stop
The rain has started, finally. I know that the ground needs it, I know that the reservoir needs it, I know that the pond needs it, but did it have to be today? Somehow it matches my mood when what I need is to be shaken until I rattle and then put back on the ground on a glorious day, to be reminded that we are on this earth for a reason and that that reason is not to have an affair that threatens someone else's happiness. End of rant
I'd never had an affair, I'd been alongside others who have. Many of them have left LTRs , searching for something else and I (I hate to admit it) have often condone this behaviour. 'If you're not happy get out', you know the kind of thing? But it wasn't for me, serial yes, simultaneous no. I'm such an idiot to have let it get to this and even having ended it I'm walking around feeling that I've let everyone down, especially me. SO egocentric. Time to stop
Monday, October 31, 2005
the ex
sooooooooooooo, despite the ongoing and highly unsuitable flirtation with a woman young enough to be my daughter I'm still finding it hard to let go of the ex. I know, I know. I didn't want the relationship anyway and this is simply wounded pride talking. I'd been telling people since before we went on holiday that I would finish it once we returned but somehow that didn't happen.I've yet to meet a single person who knew us who thinks that our break up is a bad thing, how telling is that? Everyone feels that her binge drinking and irrational behaviour were doing me harm, which they were of course, but with my rescuer hat firmly in place I thought we could do something about it.
well, as I've never really understood the fascination of blogging this will be an interesting exercise. But I DO need somewhere to dump a whole lot of middle aged crap so this seems a good a place to start as any. Have made no attempt to hide myself, anyone who knows me will know this ID - so welcome!
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