free therapy

well that's how blogging was described to me this evening, and this evening free therapy is just what I need.

I'd forgotten the previous entry until I logged on again. How ironic in the light of the fact that my very reason FOR logging on is because of the destructive and final end of the affair. Previously I would have written this stuff down in one of a plethora of notebooks, and maybe that is still the way that feels most natural, but straight onto the screen has much greater immediacy and I need to get this crap out of my head in any way possible.

If I stand back and look at this situation as if it was someone else's story then my course of action is clear. Get. The. Hell. Out. Not that I'm in any situation out of which I can get. All the control was taken right out of my hands and I'm left floundering in a mess of someone elses making. I hold my hands up to my own part in this but I believed the stuff I was told, most of which has now proved to be lies or, at best, haf truths. The trouble is that it has thrown up all sorts of other issues which are nothing whatsoever to do with the original affair.

Firstly, I'm facing the distinct possibility that this IS my life. That all my future holds is one disasterous relationship after another. After all my track record would suggest a total inability to connect with anyone who is likely to treat me well and allow me to be happy. This evening's conversation with the binge drinking ex is a case in point. I had convinced myself that she was actually being some support over all this, when in fact her unempathic approach to the conversation left me, once again, in tears. She did it with the best of intentions, the problem wasn't her so much as the fact that I wanted her to be different, I wanted her to understand and be alongside me rather than try to encourage me out of it. I'm not in that place at the moment and she doesn't want to see that.

I'm too tired to think straight. Coming home from holidays to this is horribly reminiscent of two years ago and THAT makes me sad on a totally different level. But more about that tomorrow